Master of Puppets
by HazelWitch81
Summary: Stan and Roger fight over a rare and coveted Shemp Howard ventriloquist puppet. An American Dad fanfic that is a tribute to the greatest Stooge ever.


American Dad

Master Of Puppets

by: Hailey Sands

First time in a long time I had written a fanfic. Stan and Roger fight over a rare and coveted Shemp Howard ventriloquist puppet. An American Dad fanfic that is a tribute to the greatest Stooge ever.

Chapter One:

Stan Smith and his alien friend Roger were both at the Department of Motor Vehicles to get Stan's driver's licence renewed. Roger was bored stiff, slouching in his chair.

Roger: (groans) How much more longer is this going to take?

Stan: The DMV! One of the many things that make America the proudest country.

Roger: It should not drag out to get a driver's licence renewed...even the magazines get boring! Another wasted day!

Stan: You're the one who wanted to come along with me. You made the decision now you got to stick to your guns! Man, I love that expression.

Roger: Wish I could've brought my DVD player with me. I can be watching The Town or War of The Roses by now.

Stan: Quiet! Cannot deal with your impatience right now. Could be calling my number! 76! Good old 76! That's the spirit! Of America!

Speakers: Now serving 55.

Roger: I can't drive 55 let alone wait here! (walks out of the building) I'm going to go find some fun!

Stan: Come back here, Roger! If you don't I'll...Ahh, forget him.

Roger walks across the street to the City Hall building and he hears gavels pounding. He could not help but by curious. Sounded like an auction was being held.

Auctioneer: Going once...going twice...SOLD!

Roger: I'm 'Sold' for this! (walking into the building)

Going into the building following the sound of the auction, Roger opens the door and peeps inside.

Auctioneer: Any bidders up for this next item? I bid...

Roger (shouting): One dollar!

Auctioneer: Do I hear one dollar!

Roger: Bet your ass it's a one dollar bid!

Auctioneer: Anyone else want to outdo him? Going once...going twice...

The audience didn't seem interested in what the Auctioneer was trying to sell. So he sells it to Roger.

Auctioneer: SOLD! For one dollar!

Roger (doing a victory dance): YES! YES YES! I WON! I WON! I WON!

Auctioneer: Settle down there. You haven't heard what you won yet.

Roger: What did I win?

Auctioneer: This.

The audience scoffed as the Auctioneer showed Roger a limited edition rare Shemp Howard Ventriloquist Puppet. A sunbeam shown upon the puppet as Roger's eyes grew wide with delight.

Roger: Glory the to Gods! A Shemp Howard puppet! And it's mine!

Chapter Two:

Roger runs back from the City Hall building and gets inside Stan's SUV Much to his dismay, he sees Stan walking back to his SUV.

Stan: Got my licence renewed until 2030! Didn't take too long at all!

Roger: Who knows if you'll even be alive by then!

Stan: What's that supposed to mean? Are you on a death watch for me, asshole?

Roger: Can't you take a joke! sheesh! DRA-MA!

Stan: Guess your lack of patience didn't pay off. Most of the people left when you did so they took me right in.

The SUV began to make it's way home then Stan sees the Shemp Howard Ventriloquist Puppet in the back seat.

Stan: Holy shit! What is that thing you have in the back seat there?

Roger: Sure ain't Lena Dunham that's for sure.

Stan: Do you realize what that is?

Roger: Something I won at an auction in City Hall.

Stan: That's a Shemp Howard Ventriloquist Puppet! It's a rarity. Something I always wanted.

Roger: Wonder if you'd react this way if it were a Lester puppet.

Stan: Lester! Who cares about him! When I get home I will explain to you why you should give it to me.

Roger: You want it? I won it fair and square! You were too busy at the boring DMV! So it's a good thing I did bail out on your ass! (sings to the tune of Never Gonna Get It By En Vogue) My Puppet! Never Never Gonna Get It! My Puppet! Never Never Gonna Get It!

Stan (growls): YOU BETTER GIVE IT TO ME!

Roger (growling back at Stan): You better let me keep it for myself!

On the ride home, Stan and Roger continue to have a back and forth about the Shemp Howard puppet. And what Shemp Three Stooges episodes were the best.

Stan: The best Shemp episode was Shivering Sherlocks!

Roger: Nuh, uh! A Missed Fortune! Argue all you want! This puppet will never be your property!

Chapter Three:

Roger and Stan were back home. Roger was admiring his Shemp Howard Ventriloquist Puppet in his attic. Stan walks into the attic and sees Roger.

Stan: I want to apologize for that scuffle we had about that Shemp Puppet.

Roger: So you're going to let me keep it? Perhaps I may embark on a comedy career with this. I can be the new Taylor Mason!

Stan: Just want to explain to you about it.

Roger: Oh, shit! Is this going to be a flashback story?

Stan: Yes it is! You see Roger. Shemp Howard is my all time favorite Stooge. Even liked him in the Abbott and Costello movies he did. In fact, Shemp Howard is one of the funniest and greatest comedians who ever lived. He's right up there with Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, and even Mantan Moreland!

Roger: (rolling his eyes) I can see where this is going...

Panning in on Stan. A flashback sequence is shown to when Stan was a kid running home from school. Roger was none to thrilled to hear a story of Stan's past.

Stan: Everyday after school while everyone else was watching Groovy Ghoulies, Scooby Doo rip offs, and The Funky Phantom. I was watching The Three Stooges. The first time I saw them the third Stooge was Shemp. And boy did I think he was just (beep)ing awesome.

The flashback shows Stan watching the Stooges then looking dissapointed.

Stan: After the Shemp episodes then I saw Curly. Didn't really like him too much. Went to a library did some research on The Three Stooges then my soul was crushed when I learned Shemp died really young! On the way back from a boxing match of all things.

The flashback shows Stan on a playground with his peers.

Stan: One Saturday I played with some kids at a playground who shared my love for the Three Stooges. So I decided to be friends with them.

Kid Stan: You guys like the Three Stooges?

Kid #2: Hell yeah we do!

Kid #1: Who's your favorite Stooge?

Kid #2: I like Curly!

Kid #1: Mine too!

The kids high five each other.

Kid Stan: Shemp is my favorite Stooge!

Both kids laugh mockingly at Stan in the flashback as he hangs his head.

Stan: As the Stooges became popular with my peer groups over the years they just could not shut the hell up about Curly! Everytime I see Stooges merchandise who's the third Stooge in them all? CURLY! What did he have that Shemp didn't! The last and final straw when I was insulted about Shemp was in college. My dorm mate was having a threesome with some Swedish girl students who were studying here in America. He was hogging the bathroom.

The flashback shows a college aged Stan running around the college trying to find a bathroom.

College Stan: Can't a guy see a man about a horse around here.

Stan: Then I ran into a redneck bar. To use their bathroom there. And what was on the TV? A Three Stooges Marathon. With only Curly episodes! I used the bathroom and I decided to watch a little bit.

The rednecks were also having a brawl. The Stooge episode that was playing was Grips, Grunts, and Groans.

College Stan: This is my least favorite episode.

Redneck #1: Look how tough Curly!

Redneck #2: Yeah, look at him flip over Moe like that!

Redneck #1: He's beating up everyone!

Redneck #2: Curly even beat up that wrestler!

Stan: Stuck around a while then the episode What's The Matador played.

College Stan: Must be a Curly marathon.

Redneck #3: Woo hoo! Go Curly!

Redneck #4: Way to go Curly! Head butting that bull like that!

Redneck #2: Curly is so tough!

Redneck #1: He's the toughest Stooge of all!

Redneck #3: Shemp could never do that!

Redneck #4: Yeah man! Shemp's a wimp!

College Aged Stan's temper in the flashback was boiling inside him.

Redneck #1: He could never do what Curly does!

Redneck #2: Hell no he can't! He'd cry and whine!

Redneck #3: Shemp is so wussy! Shemp is such a pussy!

Redneck #4: I know! Stan Laurel can kick Shemp's ass!

College Aged Stan in the flashback runs out of the beer in a bitter rage as Stan explains.

Stan: That anti Shemp banter. After that rip on Shemp. I could not stand no more. Then I ran back to my college, went inside the Science Lab. Got a bottle of liquid nitrogen and threw it at the redneck bar.

The flashback shows Stan throwing the liquid nitrogen at the rednecks in the bar and they were all frozen. The flashback ends.

Stan: You understand now Roger. I have been insulted and put down about Shemp Howard all my life. Even when it wasn't directed at me.

Roger: Is this supposed to make me feel sorry for you?

Not feeling one once of empathy for Stan. Roger still feels that Stan is after his Shemp Puppet.

Stan: No, I just... (gets his IPAD) Let me show you who disenfranchised Shemp is.

Roger: Looking up some Stooges products? See if they have any sex dolls of Christine Mcintyre.

Stan shows Roger some Three Stooges collectables.

Roger: I try look for a place that custom makes those all the time.

Stan: Listen! See those Three Stooges Bobble Heads. The Moe, Larry, and Curly ones talk but the Shemp one doesn't!

Roger: You can whine all you want Stan but you're not...

Stan: (showing Roger some more): Look at this shirt from the 1990s that was a Calvin Klein parody! It's Curly! The shirt is called Curly Klein! Why not Shemp Klein!

Roger: Oh I remember those shirts. I once worked for the clothing company that made those! Then I went on to make Stick World shirts...

To get even with Roger, Stan hits Roger and shows him more Stooge collectables that feature more Curly and not enough Shemp.

Stan: Look at this Three Stooges Wrestling Shirt. It shows Curly as a wrestler! Three Stooges Monopoly game, CURLY! Three Stooges Lounge Pants, CURLY! Three Stooges cellphone case, CURLY! Three Stooges Spumco dolls from John Kricfalusi, CURLY! Three Stooges porclean dolls! CURLY! So please! Roger! Give me that Shemp puppet. I'll do anything! Now you see why I want to have it? So I rub it in the faces of all the Curly fans who shunned me!

Roger: Would you be willing to suck my cock for it?

Stan throws Roger up against his table at Roger's Place.

Roger: Jealous much ass?

Stan: I'll get that Shemp Puppet from Roger one way or another! (about to talk out then tells something to Roger): Another thing! Who was the third stooge in the 2012 Three Stooges movie? CURLY!

Roger (shouting back combatively): I get the point! Everyone loves Curly and everybody hates Shemp! According to you! (fake crying) Blibbity, Blabbity Bloo!

Chapter Four:

Friday Night was the night after last. Stan and Roger had the whole house to themselves. Stan decided to pretend to forget about the Shemp Puppet. As he was now twice as determined as ever to get it from Roger.

Stan: Looks like it's just you and me tonight!

Roger: Being along with you in the house on a Friday night is not my idea of a good time.

Stan: Well why not? We can do what we want! Francine is at a softball game, possibly getting spanked again. Steve is at Barry's birthday party with Snot and Toshi. Jeff and Hayley are protesting to keep an abortion clinic open. And Klaus is at an aquarium at the vet.

Roger: You have a hidden agenda do you?

Stan's cellphone rang and he answered it. What Roger didn't know was the pressed the dial button on his phone to cell his own cellphone.

Roger (to himself): Cool! That asswipe just got called into work.

Stan (on cellphone): Hello? Bullock? Yes sir! I will be there!

Roger (pretends): Too bad you got called into work...

Stan: Yes I got called in. (walks to the door) Wanted to let you know that I forgot about the Shemp Puppet. You were right. You were the one who bought it at the auction. So it's rightfully yours and I will not intrude anymore.

Roger: Thanks Stan! Means so much! You always try to take things away from me! I feel like I'm on an ecstacy high!

Stan: Not this time I won't! Take away something from you that is. I heard NetFlix has that Kevin Hart movie you wanted to see.

Roger: That is exactly what I plan to watch tonight. It's called Kevin Hart's Let Me Explain.

Stan: Makes up for the fact when I forbid you to see Night School this fall. After you maxed out my credit card on that Zoltar Machine from the movie Big.

Roger (sees Stan go out the door): Have fun at the CIA!

Stan: And to think you didn't have to kidnap me this time get me to tell you the code! Referring to that time I didn't let you see that Celine Dion concert.

Roger: You said you were going to leave? What are you waiting for, dick! LEAVE!

Stan: Okay goodbye!

Roger turns on the TV to NetFlix and clicks on Kevin Hart's Let Me Explain. Stan drives off and goes around Cherry Street twice.

Stan: Stupid shithead alien! Shemp Puppet is for CIA Agents!

Chapter Five:

Roger was laughing like a loon. He had no idea at all that Stan was after his Shemp Puppet. Stan felt ridiculous to use his CIA Skills to break into his own home to steal the Shemp Puppet away from Roger. Stan sees it this way, as long as Stan gets the puppet, it's all worth it to him.

Stan (putting on some gear): Feel like an idiot. When I should be at the Texas border stopping the Caravan. Oh well! This is just too good to pass up!

Roger (shouting at the TV): Yoo hoo! Kevin! You tell it like it is! Brotha! Slay! Drag!

Stan hearing Roger shout at the TV was even incentive for him to get the Shemp Puppet. Stan uses a grappling hook to get to the window of the den. Stan climbed up his house using the string from the grappling hook.

Roger: You da man! (still shouting at the TV) YYYEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!

Stan (panicked) Whew! At least a celebrity isn't going to show up at my windows like in that Adam West Batman show.

Roger was totally distracted by the NetFlix stand up special. Stan then used his spy kit and got out some night vision goggles. He easily spotted the Shemp Puppet in Roger's cabinet and it was his for the taking!

Stan: As they say on Brooklyn Nine Nine! Bingpot!

Roger had no clue that Stan took his Shemp Puppet. Stan then jumps out of the attic window with the Shemp Puppet without Roger suspecting a thing.

Stan then drove into the woods. Roger was still watching the NetFlix special. Then he gets up.

Roger: Gonna go get some Gin and Juice to go with this.

Stan was in the woods and he hid the Shemp Puppet in the bushes. Then he drove to a toy store and got a I Choose You Pikachu Plushie. Stan broke into his house all over again the same way. Stan put the Pikachu Plushie in the cabinet where they Shemp Puppet was. Stan goes back out again thinking that Roger thins that he is at the CIA. The NetFlix Special was finally over. Roger was drunk and tired. He turned off the tv and retired into his attic and got into bed.

Roger (drunk): At least Stan forgot about my Shemp Puppet. Wish I had a Kevin Hart ventroloquist puppet instead.

Stan (looking at the Shemp Puppet in the bushes): There! Roger doesn't deserve you, Shemp!

Chapter Six

It was Saturday morning. Roger felt hung over but he was able to get over hangovers by vomiting.

Roger: There! Better! (sings) Everything's Better When it Ships Free! Wayfair You Can Stick It Up Your Ass! (laughs then stops singing) Now let's check in on my Shemp Puppet. He's my ticket to stardom.

Opening the cabinet where he kept the Shemp Puppet Roger notices the I Choose You Pikachu Plushie in it's place.

Roger (freaks out): AAAAAAAHHHHHH! NNNNNOOOOO! MY SHEMP PUPPET IS GONE! IT GOT TURNED INTO A PIKACHU! (foaming at the mouth with anger) WHO TOOK IT!

Stan woke up and heard Roger screaming then laughed to himself.

It was then Roger sees a note and tries to read it but it flies out the window.

Roger (screams) MOTHER (BEEP) THAT WAS MY ONLY LEAD!

Stan (calling Roger from his bedroom): Hey Roger! What seems to be the problem?

Giggling to himself, Stan was delighted to know that his prank on Roger was a success.

Roger (breaking into Stan's room sobbing): I've been robbed!

Stan knew Roger would break into his bedroom.

Roger: It's my Shemp Puppet! It's gone!

Stan (looking the other way): Oh no! That's awful! Whoever could've done this?

Roger: I had a note but it blew out of the window.

Stan: That's our first clue. Let's find this note.

Running outside, Stan and Roger find the note.

Roger: There's the note, get it!

Chapter Seven:

A gust of wind blew the note far away.

Stan: Oh, shit! Sorry Roger. Guess we'll never know who took the Puppet.

Roger: How about we just follow the direction where the note went to?

Stan (getting nervous); We can do that. Sure!

The gust of wind landed at the woods where Stan hid the Shemp Puppet. Roger and Stan were both in the SUV with Roger driving.

Roger: Ha! I see the note! It landed in those woods! FULL SPEED AHEAD!

Stan: Uhh, yes! Rest assured we'll find your Shemp Puppet!

Tensions were rising as Stan was hesitant to let Roger know that he was the one who took away the Puppet.

Roger: Hold on! Shemp Puppet I'm coming!

Stan then decides to give in, and let Roger look for the note. The SUV was parked in the woods. Roger ran out frantically. Stan climbed a tree to hide.

Roger (finds the note): Yes! Found it! Boo-yah! (reads it): Dear Roger. How does this son of a bitch know my name? (continues to read): You're too late. I got the puppet and you got the gate! Signed...STAN SMITH!

Rage filled the alien. Roger then sees the Shemp Puppet hidden in the bushes. Stan jumps out of the tree. Lands next to Roger.

Stan: That's correct! How much will that cost you? ONE SHEMP PUPPET! Hand it over!

Roger (clings onto the puppet): NO! I thought you forgot about this puppet and you agreed to let me have it? But why?

Stan: Because ever since you bought it at that auction for one dollar. You've been acting like a hoity toity pompous ass. Just because you got something rare, doesn't make you (beep)ing special!

Roger: Can we work something out?

A storm brewed in the distance as a roll of thunder was heard.

Stan: I'm willing to do that.

Roger: Let's take turns. I'll take the Shemp Puppet on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. And you can have it on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

Stan: Seems like an agreeable arrangement. But what about Sunday? (gets in Roger's face)

The thunderstorm began as Roger and Stan were about to face off.

Roger: You up for a fight in the rain?

Stan: Sounds like a deal to me! The winner gets the Shemp Puppet and the loser has to own that Pikachu! And serve me for a year!

Roger: Oh, it is so on! I'll be like Jean Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport!

Stan: Like you know how to fight that well! I can knock you on your fatass so hard! That Shemp Puppet is as good as mine! I'm just lucky Francine isn't here to take your side over mine! On the count of 3, we fight. 1...2...3!

Both roaring with all their might. Stan and Roger engage in a fist fight in a thunderstorm. The Shemp Puppet was now sitting in the tree where Stan had hid before.

Chapter Eight:

The rain pours down upon Stan and Roger as they fight in the same style that Peter Griffin and Ernie the Chicken always did. Along the way of their fighting, Stan and Roger beat up one another by kicking, punching, biting, finger and hair pulling leaving a path of destruction in their wake. Trees were torn down and log cabins too.

Stan (hears a thunder strike and punches Roger): Lightning punch! Take you down with kickboxing!

Roger (punches Stan back): Oh, yeah? Donkey Punch you son of a bitch!

Stan: (kicks Roger): You know nothing of the greatest that is Shemp Howard!

Roger (pulls Stan's fingers back): Shows how much you know! I'm a bigger Shemp fan than you'll ever be! (imitates Shemp): Hee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee!

Stan: That don't even sound like him!

Roger: Does too!

Stan (punches and kicks Roger): Ha! Knocked you ass out Kurt Sloane style!

Roger (flips Stan in the air): Watch this! My Remy Bojansky move!

Stan falls over and falls into one of the broken log cabins. Roger claims his victory by getting the Shemp Howard Puppet and waves it in the air.

Roger: YES! YES! YES! I finally defeated that piece of shit Stan! Come on Shemp Howard Old Puppet old pal, you're going places!

Out of nowhere at the heat of the moment, Stan jumps out of the pile from the log cabin and dives at Roger. Shemp Howard Puppet files into the air.

Stan: Give me my Shemp Puppet!

Roger (astounded): How did you do that?!

Stan: The CIA has trained me to have great athletic ability to choke hold your neck! (strangling Roger)

A flash of lightning shone on their faces then the Shemp Howard Puppet was struck by lightning. They both stopped fighting and ran over to the puppet that was now in pieces.

Stan: Oh my gosh. What have we become?

Roger: You're right, Stan. We fought over it and now look what happened.

Stan (looks at the destruction): All this over a rare ventriloquist puppet.

Roger: What do you think we should do?

Stan: I know.

Roger looks at Stan getting his cellphone out.

Stan: Hello...Bullock? I need a favor...now I will not have your Loation sugar baby give me a hand job...do you know a place that can fix ventriloquist puppets? Okay thanks...bye. (hangs up cellphone) Why do people always want me to exchange sexual favors for them?

Roger: Want to know something? We both thought we were entitled to this puppet.

Stan: You're right Roger. We've become so possessive and competitive over it. Now look what's happened.

Roger: Hit the nail on the head there, dude. Maybe neither of us deserved or needed that Shemp Puppet.

Stan: This could be a sign that...we weren't meant to have the Shemp Howard Ventriloquist puppet after all.

Roger and Stan show each other the way. Then both get into the SUV and drive home.

Epilogue:

The next week. Stan Smith was back to work at he CIA. Bullock came to his desk with a suitcase.

Bullock: Good day Smith.

Stan: Hello, Bullock. What's in the suitcase.

Bullock: That ventriloquist puppet you told me to take over to get it fixed. Is now good as new. Feel free to take a look.

Stan opens the suitcase and inside was the Shemp Howard Ventriloquist Puppet.

Bullock: Turns out my Loation mistress is good at fixing it! If you know what I mean! It pays to be a Sugar Daddy sometimes! What will do you with it, Smith?

Stan (takes the puppet): Uhhh, going to give it to my special needs cousin in Arkansas!

Bullock: Well done for you, Smith!

Stan takes the Shemp Howard Puppet and puts it in his locker. His cellphone rings and it was Roger.

Roger: Hey, Stan!

Stan: Hello, Roger!

Roger: Did that Shemp Puppet ever get fixed.

Stan: Yes it did!

Roger: What do you plan to do with it?

Stan: I sent it to an orphanage! That one where Francine grew up. Whatever became of that Pikachu I tricked you with?

Roger: I sold it on Craig's List and got something better.

Stan: That's good to hear. Have a nice day Roger. Let us never let an inanimate object get in the way of our friendship again!

Roger: Sounds like a plan to me! Goodbye!

Stan (about to close his locker and looks at the Shemp Puppet): Roger can never find you now! At last! Shemp Howard Ventriloquist Puppet is all mine! Rome Wasn't Built In A Day and Neither Was Syracuse! I salute you, Shemp! I like you better than Moe and Curly combined! You will always be my favorite old comedian! Curly can go (beep) himself! hee bee bee bee bee!

In the end, Stan decides to keep the Shemp Howard Ventriloquist Puppet for himself. Meanwhile, Roger was opening a box from UPS and was delighted what was inside. A Kevin Hart Ventriloquist Puppet!

Roger: In your face, Stan Smith! Who needs Shemp Howard when I have a...Kevin Hart Ventriloquist Puppet! (laughs) Screw you Stan! I got something even better! And more up to date with the times! (looks at the screen) Funny how things even out in the end! THE REAR END! (laughs and winks at the screen)

THE END


End file.
